


A Captain's Lament

by interstellarpirate



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon - Manga, Crying, Crying Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Manga Spoilers, Other, Spoilers, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:43:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16255970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarpirate/pseuds/interstellarpirate
Summary: Hanji Zoe finds Captain Levi in the room he chose as Erwin's final resting place. There he comes to understand just what it feels like to succumb to years of repressed, true grief. (Some LeviHan if you squint, but this is mostly based on friendship alone. I don't really ship in SNK, so take it as you will.)





	A Captain's Lament

The room was clean with polished, wooden floors. A simple bed was pushed against the wooden wall made with what appeared to be freshly laundered sheets, a small chest of drawers to the side of it, and a window just big enough to let in the sunlight. A simple vase filled with fresh flowers sat on top of the chest, serving as a nightstand to the bed. The man stood up and pushed back his dark hair, gazing down at the person he just laid on top of the clean mattress.

_He was a bit heavier than I thought... but this is a good place for him. Wish we could've given him better, but this is fitting. I'm sorry, Erwin. At least you're no longer suffering and not being dragged back into the hell of this world._

"Captain?" came a somewhat nervous and yet curious sounding voice from the other side of the door.

Levi Ackerman barely raised his head to glance over his shoulder, and he could see Hanji standing in the doorway. Of course, no longer wearing her glasses and bandages wrapped around her injured eye.

"What do you want, shit-for-brains?" He couldn't call her four eyes or shitty glasses anymore seeing as she wasn't wearing them, so he opted for something else instead. It irritated him that she bothered to show up here. He thought he was pretty clear when he said he had wanted to do this alone.

"I just wanted to let you know that the others are with Armin and they're all resting. Sasha's wounds are pretty bad, but I think she'll pull through. Eren and Mikasa were also asleep, and so is Armin."

Hanji gazed around the room. "So, this is the place you picked for Erwin's final resting place, eh?" She walked in completely unphased by the Captain's callousness, her boots resounding across the wooden floor with each footstep. Levi's slate blue eyes narrowed.

"You better hope like hell you wiped your boots off before you came in here. I don't want mud tracked all over the floor." The Captain turned around to face Hanji, his arms folded over his chest with a judgmental expression. "Is there some reason why you're on my ass this time?"

The new Commander rolled her good eye. "Is that any way to speak to Erwin's successor?" His expression was unwavering at her words, and there was a bit of a gleam in her eye. She was curious and wanted to test something. She wanted to break down his walls. She wanted to see him feel something. "You didn't answer my question."

Levi shrugged his shoulders. "Can't go hauling a rotting corpse back with us. The ones who've survived are priority now, and we still have a certain house and basement to visit. Get it, shitty glasses?"

Had Hanji still had her glasses, she would've pushed them up the bridge of her nose at this point. Levi noted she had raised a hand to do so, only forgetting that her glasses were no longer there, and assumed it was probably now just a habit she'd picked up over the years. She ignored his insults as usual. He'd always had such a brash way of speaking. It didn't even phase her then, and it wouldn't phase her now.

She walked toward the Captain and gazed down at the still form of Erwin Smith. Levi had covered the former Commander's face with his Survey Corps cloak displaying the symbol. It was hard to believe he really wasn't coming back this time. Maybe bringing Erwin here was his way of feeling. Hanji wasn't sure, but with how clean the room was, it was no surprise that he really had put a lot of thought into this. That maybe this all had to do with his own personal feelings or maybe his way of accepting their Commander and comrade's death.

"Captain, I know you said that the reason you decided to give Armin the serum rather than Erwin was because of the fact that you would be forcing him back into this world when he'd finally found peace, but I gotta know. Is that your only reason?"

Levi turned his head away from Hanji and stared down at the wooden floor for a long period of time. The silence seemed to stretch but Hanji did not waver. She waited and jerked her head up as Levi's voice sounded, dull with no emotion as usual, and Hanji wasn't sure why, it just irritated her, but she had an idea, a theory she wanted to try and this was the perfect opportunity.

"Did I ever tell you that I wanted to kill him when I first met him?"

Hanji gasped lightly at the Captain's words, surprised that he had ever felt that way. Levi had always been very loyal and devoted to the work of the Commander. He had followed him without question or hesitation. So this was news to her. "You wanted to kill him? Why?"

"I wanted to kill him when I first met him, and I wanted to kill him after Isabel and Farlan died. Back then, I knew nothing. I was just an arrogant brat myself. That was the first time I really experienced the world outside of the walls and watching my close comrades die in battle. It was my fault they were killed. Erwin made me realize it was my stupid choices that day that lead to their deaths."

There was a pregnant pause as Levi's eyebrows seemed to work, drawing themselves in together as though he were searching for the words. "He also helped me realize I had a purpose. That I could help save humanity, and I guess that I had a certain talent for killing Titans and that talent could be made into something rather than falling back in the shadows of the Underground."

"You really do, you know? Have that talent. The people are always going on and on about Captain Levi and how he's Humanity's Strongest." Hanji mimicked the ever almost annoying fans of the Survey Corps.

Levi scowled and went down on one knee at the side of Erwin's bed. "Humanity's Strongest, huh? I think Erwin was stronger than me any day. In many more ways than I could ever be. I came to trust him, respect him and value him as a close comrade who I could be loyal to."

Levi ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "To answer your question, Hanji, just before he died he said something to me that made me acknowledge something that I hadn't before."

The newly named Commander dropped down on a knee beside Levi and gazed at him curiously. "And what was that?"

"That if I made him into a Titan, I'd just be dragging him right back into this shithole of a world, and to whatever this is that we do that we call life." Levi's gaze hardened as he stared at Erwin in front of him.

"I couldn't do that to him. Not when he'd finally found peace," the Captain breathed out and much to his surprise, his vision became blurred, distorted. A horrible, unfamiliar tingling in his nose started, and a lump began growing in his throat. "Goddammit. What the hell?" His voice was surprisingly unsteady.

"That's it, Levi. For heaven's sake! Feel something! Let yourself just go already!" Hanji encouraged.

"I'm not the fucking Yeager brat, shitty glasses, and I'm not one of your fucking experiments. I don't do this kind of bullshit," Levi growled, but Hanji did not mistake the crack in his voice and she watched him cringe and hunch forward.

"Well, I wanted to test a theory anyway. Levi listen, you've lost a lot. A lot and you've always stayed so strong, but when was the last time you ever let yourself feel anything for them and let yourself get it out?" she questioned him, her voice almost desperate sounding.

It only served to agitate him even more than the very idea that he might actually cry about this. Though he couldn't help but ponder Hanji's question. When was the last time? Levi thought back. It would've been when Isabel and Farlan were killed, and that was years ago. He had flown into a rage the likes that nobody had ever seen before and didn't just kill the Titan that took the lives of his friends, he completely mutilated it into oblivion, only to collapse at its side and dissolving into tears for the first time in how many years, he didn't know. All because the dead faces of his trusted comrades were mere feet away, and there was nothing he could do now. All he heard was their voices echoing in his head. Isabel's smiling face yelling out 'big brother!' to him. All of it had been just enough to send him over the edge.

He couldn't really remember if he'd cried when his mother died. He was too young to remember. He didn't cry when Kenny left him all alone to fend for himself at such a young age, but he remembered wanting to. He'd wanted to cry when Petra and his squad had all perished during the expedition, but he didn't. He just held it in until the weight had settled his stomach like a stone, and he forgot how. That's when he realized that crying never solved anything. It didn't make anything better. It didn't turn back the hands of time to right the wrongs, so what the fuck was the point in it now?

"Fuck this," Levi's breath hitched as he sunk to his knees at the side of Erwin's bed, resting his elbows against it, pressing the side of his face against the palm of his hand. "What the hell is this bullshit? I'm not Eren. That little brat bawls at everything." His fingertips dug into his scalp, and his jaw set, doing the best he could to keep himself together.

"Oh for god sakes, Levi! Stop trying to repress it and just let it out! You've lost so much! Your entire squad, your comrades and friends, your family, and when have you ever just taken some time to properly grieve for them?" Hanji yelled at him, hoping to ignite something out of him.

"Because I fucking don't, idiot," Levi replied weakly and he inwardly cringed at how pathetic the tone of his voice sounded. "What's the point? Crying like a little bitch over them isn't going to bring them back or change anything."

He was slowly losing the battle as images of his past flashed before his eyes. His mother slowly turning into a rotting corpse. His uncle showing up, taking him in for a while and then leaving him alone, meeting Isabel and Farlan only to find them dead, his entire squad being killed off, finding Petra's broken body splayed into a tree, having to let them all go instead of bringing their bodies home, letting the people from Hanji's squad get killed, his uncle dying and entrusting him to the titan serum, and now Erwin.

Memories flashed, regrets and grief clawed their way up his throat, aching desperately to find the way out, and Levi just fought harder to push it back down, but it was winning. Unconsciously, his hand slipped down to clasp over his mouth, doing all he could to hold in the sobs now wanting to make their appearance. His entire body began shaking and his eyes burned and blurred the image of Erwin's body in front of him. He felt the warmth of Hanji's hand clasping his shoulder from somewhere behind, and he didn't even try to throw her off.

"It's okay, Levi. You're a human being too. You can cry and grieve for your losses too. Just because it won't bring them back, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to mourn. It's human nature and the human thing to do. That's what you are. A human being."

His voice lost, his battle lost, Levi caved. He pressed his hand against the side of his face once more, his fingers gripping at his hair, strands sliding through them, and he clenched his teeth hard, his hitching breath hissing between his teeth. For the first time in years, he felt the foreign feeling of hot tears escaping from slate blue eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

"It's okay," Hanji told him again, her voice barely whispering. "Just let them out. Don't hold them in anymore. It's just me and you here. Nobody else is here. Nobody can see you. Nobody can hear you."

"Get out of here," the Captain spat out coldly, voice choked. The last thing he wanted was for Hanji to see him like this. Her hand did not relent, and if anything her fingers gripped his shoulder harder. "Get-the-hell out of here." He snapped again through clenched teeth.

"I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to be alone right now." Hanji was always so goddamned stubborn.

She was right, and he hated it. "Fuck!"

Pathetic sobs ripped their way out of his throat, as Levi dropped his forehead against his arm. Crying was so foreign to him, but it came regardless, as naturally as eating or sleeping, and he cursed himself for allowing himself to succumb to a weakness such as this. He squeezed his eyes shut tight against the burning, salty water and could taste it on his lips.

Tears fell harder, faster, even with his eyes closed, and he opened his eyes, staring at the blurred form of the wooden floor underneath him. His tears hit the floor heavily, one by one, almost like drops of rain coming from a leaky roof, staining the wood a dark color under him. He could feel the comfort of Hanji's hand rubbing soothing circles on his back, and in truth, he was appreciative that she was here for him as the years of grief rolled out of him in waves.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea for him to be alone right now, and he was so grateful to have a comrade and friend like her, even if her mad-scientist-like ways and profound filth drove him absolutely crazy at times. He could hear her sniffling behind him and knew Hanji was possibly attempting to hold her own tears in, or maybe she wasn't. He wasn't sure and didn't bother to turn around and look, because he didn't want her to see his face, but at least he wasn't alone in his grief. Commander Erwin's death had hit them all hard. It was just the breaking point for Levi.

It felt like his tears went on forever. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. Levi didn't know. The time eluded him. And finally, much to his relief, they were slowing, coming to a stop until eventually he completely collapsed against the side of the bed, exhausted from such a heavy display of emotion. Residual hitching breaths and a stuffy nose like he had a bad head cold was all that left, and now he remembered one reason of why he detested crying in the first place. It was disgusting. He sniffled back what was left and tried to calm his breathing. Hanji never moved from his side. And as his sobbing quieted, the Captain somehow managed to find his voice again. It was drained, cracked and pathetic sounding, but he didn't give a shit at this point.

"If you tell a soul about this, I swear if you so much as even breathe a word about this, shitty glasses, I will personally see to it that there will be a new successor to Commander and it won't be you, because I'll ensure your silence-" but he was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious sigh from Hanji.

"Oh god... Yeah yeah, I get it, shorty. Captain Levi doesn't cry. You're not like the 'Yeager brat' who bawls at every given opportunity, blah blah blah, we only came here to give Erwin a nice and final resting place, yadda yadda yadda. I get it! I won't tell anyone, and I wasn't going to. Jeez."

"Don't forget it, shitty glasses," the Captain warned as he finally found the strength in his legs again and stood up.

"You know, I don't have my glasses right now. Shitty glasses is in poor taste." Hanji chuckled a bit and smirked as she stood up next to him. "Feel better?" her good eye softened as she glanced over at him.

"Yeah, maybe, but you're still a huge pain in the ass," he told her, slate blue eyes glancing back her way and into the softness of her brown one, seeming to get some of his brashness back.

In truth, it did feel like a weight had been lifted from him and he was actually extremely grateful to Hanji more than he cared to admit, but if he were to be honest with himself, he still felt unbearably sad. This must be what true grief felt like since he was finally allowing himself the chance to feel it. Of course, he'd been saddened by his losses in the past, but never to this degree. Maybe in the future, should something like this happen again, he shouldn't hold back for so long.

The Captain took another look at Hanji feeling a jolt in his chest and hoped he'd never have to experience it again. Especially with her, because if he did... Levi did not want to think about that. Not even go there. The possibility was always imminent, but that didn't mean he had to think about it being a possibility. He never wanted to feel like this again. He ran his hands up and down over his face, removing any traces of tears or tear tracks that had been left over and turned toward her.

"We should get back. The brats are probably going to be waking up soon, and we still have work to do."

"Yeah, I suppose so," Hanji replied as she walked toward the door, but Levi was not following. He continued looking down at the Commander's unmoving body, and Hanji knew she needed to give him a moment. "I'll just be outside."

Levi waited until Hanji had shut the door behind her, before bending over Erwin to adjust the folds in the Survey Corps cloak still covering his face. He turned on his heel and walked toward the door, casting one more glance at his fallen comrade and friend over his shoulder. He was mourning most definitely, but it was time to regather composure and make his way back to the brats with Hanji. They needed to be cared for, and there were still things that needed to be done. As Captain, he still had a duty to uphold, and he promised to himself that he would not let Erwin or his comrades down.

"Goodnight, Erwin."

Levi left the room, closing the door quietly behind him and left to join Hanji and the remaining survivors of the Survey Corps.  
  



End file.
